What the FAQ!

“The first rule of Metro Club is that you do not ask a fellow passenger for directions.

The second rule of Metro Club is that you DO NOT frigging ask a fellow passenger for directions.”

-         -  Tyler (Jamailaa!) Durden  

Humans are inherently stupid, to be precise. We fail to realise when we are bursting someone’s social bubble, or alienating the hell out of them. During our yawn-inspiring, moribund lifetime, most of us only manage to morph into a less-annoying and less-naive version of ourselves; while the rest of us choose to make peace with our conspicuous dumbness (Like a boss!).

And, quite frankly, fate is one sadistic bitch for purposefully arranging frequent collisions between both the clubs, just to get a kick out of it.

Public transports, like Delhi Metro, obediently serve as the perfect battlegrounds for such masterfully planned collisions. Constant delays, overwhelming odour, and incessant cacophony catered simultaneously to a pack of self-obsessed, PMSing people wedged in one congested area, all on the verge of losing their temper— a perfect set-up, isn’t it?

It doesn’t take more than an accidental nudge on the shoulder; an out of the blue wise-ass remark; a male napping on a seat reserved for ladies, to trigger unnecessary chaos and generate an excuse for everyone to frantically lose their mind. Anything or anyone present in the metro, no matter how minuscule and trivial— be it ultra-loud announcements or a Peeping Tom sitting beside you, has the tendency to irritate you to the level of Salman Khan’s films. But the thing that gets metro guy seriously pissed-off is the series of FAQs (frequently asked questions) bombarded on him on a daily basis, while he’s waiting either for his ride or a fellow traveler.

The recent DMRC study shows that if you stay immobile at a particular spot for more than 300 seconds, then the possibility of your unpleasant metamorphosis into a customer care centre increases multi-fold. However, the study is still inconclusive about the striking phenomenon of blatant ignorance of bi-lingual sign-boards, descriptive making-it-obvious maps, constant announcements and even the childish, coloured footsteps. Researchers are still trying to comprehend the stupidity of some people. The situation is so bad that you might as well as gouge both your eyes out in front of them, and they will still ask you to direct them to an exit gate.

   

A sacred sub-clause of “Metro Code of Conduct” clearly states that a person listening to his/her precious songs during a metro journey should never ever be disturbed, no matter what the circumstances are; you can’t force someone to take their earphones out, while they are relishing some highly-relatable songs. It’s a punishable offense. But, few people still have the audacity to tap on the shoulders of those who-shall-not-be-disturbed. And, for what? To enquire whether the train will go to Dwarka or not?

Shame...Shame... Shame (tring tring). [A Game of Thrones’ fan would understand]   

In light of the worsening situation, metro guy had to take certain precautions, so, he devised some strategies to protect himself from the hard-hitting FAQs: a) be always on the move; b) learn to be cold and indifferent; c) use headset instead of headphones for clear visibility; d) Use non-verbal communication like shrugging your shoulders to show disinterest; e) Avoid waiting.   

Metro tamed by "Dr. Skeptismo"

“We quickly assume the worst

Question what’s otherwise evident; withdraw all our trust

And, then, conveniently proclaim that morality has died”

You know, there’s a reason we are so screwed up. There’s a reason why we feel so alone in this overcrowded, bizarre world; why we conveniently choose to stay quiet, even though, our hearts are bursting inside, and why our faith lies in a dubious supreme figure, but, are unashamedly ignorant of those with whom we share the dust.

The fact is that whenever any curious soul even tries to ponder over this thought, it is usually shrugged off with ‘humans are insanely complicated’ cliché. But the reason I am talking about here is rather conspicuous.

 It’s your regular, run-of-the-mill cynicism.

(Hey, atleast hear me out, before you start doubting my theory.)   

If we put the idealistic thoughts aside, the regretful fact is that, we are not who we are— we are what society thinks of us. Either willingly or unwillingly, we embrace people’s distorted perceptions about us and loosely frame our own personality to somehow please the imposed judgement. The deep-rooted fears of others have gradually transformed into our unhindered hesitation, and our actions, that were once voluntary, are now driven by the degree of cultural-acceptability.  

Baffling!

It just shows that the world is nothing but a compilation of emotionally wrecked people, and our metro guy is as messed up as they come.

A chubby little kid, seated comfortably on his father’s lap, was constantly staring at him, passing a mischievous grin, all along. Personally, metro guy hates travelling with toddlers because of their annoying boo-boo acts, which others may find adorable. But, as per the metro code of conduct, the ideal reply is to smile back, no matter how displeased you are or how reluctant you feel.

However, there’s a sneaky little catch. The smile should be of appropriate amount— radiant enough to show you care, but not a psychotic ear-to-ear one, otherwise people would definitely take you for a pedophile.
Mastering your smile isn’t enough, though. Once, metro guy was in awe at the mesmerizing view of a mother breast-feeding her child, during the ride; he was intrigued by the mysterious ways in which nature works. But his minute-long admiration soon shattered into multiple embarrassing and torturous seconds, when the mother passed a deathly look, shrieking out “Pervert!”      

So, you are forced to do something that you didn't want to in the first place, and if you don’t do it right, you would land in trouble. Fascinating, isn't it?

Metro guy often fantasizes about a ride where he could freely stare into space, without the fear of being tagged as a tharki; where he could pass a smile to anyone without raising questions at his candor; where an unintentional push in a bumpy ride is not counted as ‘groping’, and a ride where  he could be himself, instead of being operated by ‘Dr Skeptismo’.

Yes, the world would have been a much better place if we all trusted each other, but, we are smart enough to know that it’s an unattainable fantasy, or one can say, it’s utter bullshit. Being suspicious is in our nature. Without doubt, we would cease to exist as the dominant race. But have we ever wondered what it has done to us!